Note: Dr. Lovebomb is still awaiting his certificate in, uh, love. But fear not, for he is an astute observer of the human condition, has been noted for his “unique sense” of gender dynamics, and his mother has often described him as “the best, most handsome.” As such, he has plenty of wisdom for your desperate ass, I mean you are looking for love advice on the internet, who are you to judge a professional?
So, you’re in that stage in your life where you can see the “settle-down” coming, and you know you need to sow those wild oats if you’re ever going to live Happily Ever-After with Sally Boringbottom, yeah?
And you’ve seen some movies, and a lot of pornos, and so one of the things that you’re dying to do is get one of those threesome badges for your Master-Lover achievement wall, right next to the empty space for the “Mile High Club” and the “London Bridge” with your best friend Barry.
Well fear not, because the Doctor is in, and he’s been around this block more than a few times. The steps, my friend, are simpler than you may think, it just takes a little diligence and hard work. Let us proceed.
- You need a job. And the cash you make from that job will greatly influence the quality of the visuals during your soiree. If you don’t have a job, then you need to be a trustafarian, lottery winner, or recent inheritant of Aunt Maybel’s estate.
- Once you have that job or other income secured, it’s all about location, location, location. And the best location, is craigslist. That’s right. You know where the chicks are at who are all DTF? they’re on the internet, fishing for you. For you! And you thought this was going to take some clever card trick or jedi mind… trick. NO! No tricks. Just straight up location.
- Okay, you’re on craigslist, ready to go. Alright, select your town, and then “personals.” What you’re looking for is “casual encounters.” Now look, it’s a mine field here, a lot of fake posts just trolling for credit card info or other personal information. So before you go any further, what you need is a quality brand new email account. Hook it up, this is your special threesome account. Maybe go with a classy name like DoCtUr3Waze@something.com
- Once you have that set, use this account and only this one as you solicit service from all the babes just dying to share your anonymous self with another lady. Usually these no-nonsense lookers have a super professional ad, something like, “In need of a place for tonight,” “Don’t want to sleep in another parking lot,” or “Mom driving me crazy!!!LOL!!!” Direct one of these gals to your crib, and send a pic, something studly, but don’t go Anthony Wiener just yet, keep it cool. Make sure to mention all of the cool stuff you have, like flatscreen tv, ipads, anything like that, remember, show off that cash from your job/trust fund/lucky break. This should seal the deal with your power-play girl, she’s the one who just needs something from you, and desperate to please.
- Next, back out of casual encounters, and click on the link for “Missed Connections.” There’s a lot of sappy “You were on the bus looking the other way with your headphones in, I was in the red dress on the corner” kind of crap, but this is also where the real sharks lurk, the pr-hoes, get my drift? Their posts are pretty obvious, and if I need to spell it out, you probably aren’t ready for this. Find one you like, dodge anybody asking for anything other than a location and a cash agreement, and be sure to let this lady know what your big plans are, she’ll be the one guiding the menage session, just defer to her once she arrives.
- Sit back, relax, and wait for the action.
I’ve readIt’s that easy.
In fact, I got so excited, I decided to <del>try it</del> set up another sesh myself, here's my live blog breakdown:
10:47 pm – emailing with an actress on the Westside who needs to get away from her loser boyfriend for a night. She seems down. Pic Sent!
11:02 pm – finally found my pro. Her pics are amazing, I don’t think I’ve ever done this with someone this hot, super excited. She’s already mentioned that “Randy” will be waiting out in the car. Don’t let that scare you. When someone’s upfront like this, you know they’re for real.
11:15 pm – Slight snafu with the actress. Someone else texted her with another offer. Wanted to see more picks of my crib. I made sure to show off all the big $$$ equipment, and the bed, to keep her focused.
11:37 pm – Deal set with my super-hot ringer. Set our meet up for 12:30. Gonna run me $1200, but I’m ready. Like I said, this is all about what you got in the bank, you gotta earn the badge, and this doctor’s been working hard.
12:07 am – Still waiting on the actress (typical
12:28 am – Pushed back my ringer to 1:00 am, Actress just asked if “I’m alone.” Said yes, don’t want to spook her.
12:45 am – Actress calls from the buzzer. BUZZED!
12:46 am – Two large men enter my condo, followed by a young looking girl who I can only describe as, “broken.” She takes a picture of me with her phone.
12:55 am – The men are removing all of the valuables from my condo. The girl holds me hostage with the pic, threatening to send it to the authorities.
1:10 am – We have moved things to the local ATM machine. I hand over all of the cash from my checking account. Hope my ringer takes credit card!
1:16 am – Back to my place. I see an old woman with blonde hair waiting at my door. She looks pissed. She must be Randy. I’ll handle this. So close to making this happen!
1:17 am – Actress and her friends peel out as soon as she playfully pushes me out of the car. I walk up to Randy.
1:18 am – Randy tells me that she is not Randy, she is my ringer. I ask where the girl is who I emailed with, the one in the pictures. “That’s me.” I sure wish my laptop wasn’t just taken, because this definitely isn’t the same woman. She says we need to hurry it up, she’s got another appointment in 30 minutes. Hey,
beggars pros can’t be choosers, I invite her in.
1:22 am – Not-Randy wants her money. I offer my credit card. She works cash only. I explain the situation. Surely, a professional can understand a road bump or two in the course of business.
1:24 am – I meet Randy. He used to play Left Tackle at USC. He’s let himself go a bit, but still a mountain of a man. His face is stern, but he offers a hand. I extend my own in greeting.
1:25 am – My arm is pinned behind my back, my hand in fat Randy’s vice grip. His other hand is giving me what I’ll call a “deep tissue neck massage” maybe a little stronger than I prefer. fat Randy informs me that the price for their visit has now gone up to $2000.
1:27 am – (Now this is what sets apart the pros from the joes.) I negotiate $3000 for a deferment of the payment until tomorrow, along with resetting the date with not Randy, who’s been upset that I didn’t recognize her from the photos, and her twin sister. Then fat Randy informs me, that (even) if I don’t get the money, I’m going to get fucked. How’s that for a win-win?
Look, guys, not every encounter is going to go as well as what you’ve just read, so don’t get discouraged if your first try ends badly. But if you keep at it, not only will you get that shiny three-way badge, you’ll be a better man for it.
Until next time,